Story 21

Ahoy, fellas! Lon' time no see! I've got another story fer ye - this time it's one of m' favourite subjects fer tales - Dave E. Jones's period. That's right I've got new story while me was sailin' under this scurvy seadog!

'Twas shortly after th' incident wit' th' Spanish frig, as ye prob'ly remeber from th' previous stories. Th' entire friggin' crew voted fer me to be promoted to officer. Well I wus flattered, but I wus somewhat afraid, 'cause I didn't know if'n I could manage bein' an officer. I 'ad completely no 'xperience in this part of th' seamanship, that's sure as fleas are annoyin'. Seein' m' 'esitation, Cap'n Dave E. Jones said:

"Ne'er ye worry, Crash <hic>. 'Tis easier than ye think. Bring me 'nother bottle <hic> an' I'll teach ye what I know!"

Harrr! I wus delighted! 'Un of th' most notorious bastids in th' Caribbeans wanted to teach me 'is secrets! Me, an unknown young rascal. I ne'er said anyone that both me savin' Davey from th' barrel an' me blowin' a hole in frigate's side were jus' accidents. I didn'a wanted to do it, but still it jus' 'appened. 'Twas fate. Everybuddy thought I did all those thin's deliberately. They thought me was a tough fella. But even though I felt as if'n I cheated 'em in some way, 'twas a great opportunity fer me an' I wasn't goin' to throw it away.

Actually capn's lectures weren't as good as I thought at first. I couldn't b'lieve navigation can be so borin'. Most o' th' time I was fallin' asleep. Even Davey 'imself took a quick nap in th' middle o' th' sentence! Yep, he too wasn't a navigation lover, harrr, harrrr!

I remember some of th' best lessons he gave me:

"We pirates are generally are quite a lazy lot. To force obedience on 'em, they must fear ye more than they hate workin'. See this bastid wit' a peg leg sittin' on th' bow? Observe carefully. Hey, yew there! The deck needs cleaning. Could ye take care of that?"

"Go ta 'ell!" came a loud reply.

"Harrrr! Ye see, Crash" Davey smiled "Ne'er try to speak to th' crew this way! They're more lazy then them soddin' gentry folks. Now check this out." He turned to other sailor sittin' idle on a barrel. "Ye scurvy slimy curd! Can't ye see that th' whole deck is filthy? What are ya waitin' fer, ye idiot! Move yer pox ridden butt outta thar barrel or I'll nail ye to th' yardarm! On yer knees, dumbass an' start scrapin' th' deck till' ye see clean wood! That's right, an' don't stop 'till ye git it all done, or I'll personally wash th' deck wit' this misshapen, stinky 'ead of yers!" cried Dave E. an' menacingly grabbed th' 'andle of 'is cutlass.

"Gulp!" said sailor wit' shakin' legs. He grabbed a bucket of water an' a piece of cloth, an' started cleanin' as eagerly, as if deck scapin' was his most beloved activity he e'er performed in 'is whole wretched life.

Well, I was impressed like 'ell, I must say. 'Twas a soddin' valuable lesson me learned that day! Unfortunately th' next few days was th' accursed navigation What a pain!

After 'bout one full month of everyday navigation lessons, durin' which cap'n swallowed th' content of approx'mately a dozen barrels of rum, I said I canna take it no more. 'Twas jus' too soddin' difficult fer me to grasp. All that star patterns, directions, angles, figurin' out th' right speed at th' right time. M' 'ead was better suited fer bashin' things than fer navigatin', that's sure as Dark Water is disbanded.

Dave E. scratched 'is scurvy 'ead an' made a sly face.

"Well, I know 'tis hard. Y'know what, I'll tell ye how I handle this. Follow me." he said an' went out of th' cabin towards th' deck.

I went after th' cap'n, intrigued by 'is words. He walked from th' hatch towards th' stern, swayin' to th' sides 'eavily. Hey, th' wind wasn't THAT strong, I noticed wit' amusement. Dave E. stopped in front of th' large pirate holdin' th' wheel.

"Set th' course fer Maracaibo, but now!" he shouted an' returned to th' cabin.

"Ye see, Crash, 'twasn't very hard, was it? Harrr! Harrr! Harrr!"

I replied wit' delight an' admiration "Aye'll drink to that!"

I've learnt many things from Dave E. Jones!

Story 22

'Tis a bloody hot day we 'ave today an' no mistake! I've come to 'Ye House of Pyrates fer a drink of somethin' cool. Since ye are 'ere too, I reckon 'tis a good time to tell ye 'bout whut 'appened on our way to raid Maracaibo wit' Dave E. Jones.

When we closed to th' narrow entrance to th' lake, we 'xpected to stumble upon few guard ships that are regualrly patrollin' these waters, but th' Lady Luck was wit' us this time. We saw no sails on our ways to th' city. We were still few hours away from th' unsuspectin' colony when Davey gathered all marines on th' deck an' said:

"Alright, ye lily-livered swab! We's gonna take Maracaibo!"

A loud cry of applause from th' crew followed. Someone asked "Will we dock at th' port b'fer we burn this hole to th' ground? I miss a company o' some girls."

"Ye'll 'ave more wenches than ye can count when we take thar city. We'll strike 'em wit'out a warnin'!" replied Dave E. rubbin' 'is hands wit' an insidious smile.

"No! Let's drop anchor at th' dock! We'll gut 'em tomorrow!" said th' stubborn pirate. I looked closer at 'im. He 'ad short black, messy hair an' short-trimmed beard 'round 'is mouth. Th' bugger wus no much older than me, prob'ly in 'is mid-twenties at best.

"Shut yer scar, ye milk-drinkin' idiot!" I shouted madly "Didn't ye 'ear wht th' cap'n said?"

"An' who th' 'ell are ye to order me" barked th' troublemaker as he stepped forward pointin' 'is filthy finger at me.

"Put his smelly finger o' yers down yer hemorrhoid stricken ass! Ye'll pay fer disobediance wit' yer rotten teeth!" I shouted an' clenched m' fists, comin' closer to th' bugger.

"I'll smash yer ugly face, hard'ead!" said th' pirate an' raised 'is own fists.

Th' crew immediately made room fer us, creatin' a wide empty circle. They began wagin' their hard-earned pesos on both of us. Harrr! Th' cutthroats ne'er miss any opport'nity to make money wit'out breakin' a sweat. Anyways me an' m' opponent circled each other, tryin' to appraise 'un another. Th' git wus taller than me, but I wus stockier. I spat on th' deck.

"Whus yer name, ****'ead?" I asked 'im scornfully "I wanna know whot name shall I put on yer grave."

"Don't ye pretend ye can write, half-wit. Name's Eexcaliber, but ye wouldn't spell it correcty even ifin ye tried yer whole life." said th' git an' struck 'is first blow.

I managed to move aside easily as th' tall pirate waved 'is fists. He turned an' immediately attacked 'gain. 'Is attacks were quite furious, I 'ad ta admit. Still tryin' to avoid th' Eexcaliber's wild swings I stopped fer awhile.

"Th' 'orrible stench of yer rottin' teeth are more dangerous t' m' health than this friggin' fists of yers! Never worry, m' friend, I'll make us all a favor an' relieve ye o' theses teeth." I said an' struck a glancin' blow to 'is 'ead.

Somehow Eexcaliber managed to catch m' 'and, prob'ly 'twas jus' luck. Howe'er b'fer I could free m' fist from th' bugger's grasp, 'e kicked m' wit' 'is soddin' knee right in m' belly. Th' blow wus stron' enoff ta end th' whole fight, but luckily fer me, I wus prepared. I bent in 'alf an' butted Eexcaliber wit' m' poor 'ead in th' chest. Th' scurvy git fell backwards as if struck by a speedin' wagon. I jumped up to fall on th' opponent, spread defencelessly on th' deck wit' all m' weight, but th' accursed pox-ridden flea-eater rolled aside, an' I slammed powerfully 'gainst th' hard wooden boards.

I shook m' 'ead to git rid of th' friggin' dizziness an' got up. Eex managed to stand up too. We closed to each other. This time we were both too tired fer any insults. We were both wet wit' sweat an' breathin' 'eavily. Eexcaliber tried ta punch me wit' a left hand, but when I raised m' hands, he struck me wit' right! Th' treacherous bastid cut m' lip. I felt blood in m' mouth as I kicked 'im jus' below th' knee. I threw m'self forward, grabbin' th' git in' alf an' fellin' us both. We rolled o'er th' hot wooden boards, 'xchangin' hard blows all th' time. We were both losin' strength quickly, an' soon th' blows became no stronger than as if we were wimmin <SPIT!>

Then alluva sudden Cap'n Davey poured a whole bucket o' cold water on us!

"Dat's enuff, lads!"

We sat on th' deck, lookin' at each other, tryin' to catch a breath. Eexcaliber touched 'is right temple an' frowned.

"Ye've got quite a left punch, Crash." said Eex.

I smiled "An' yer right almost knocked me out" I said rubbin' m' bloodied lip. I stood up wit' effort an' helped EEX on his feet. "Let's have a drink, matey!"

"Aye, 'tis a good idea!" replied Eex eagerly.

Harrr! That's how I met EexCaliber. 'Twos 'un 'ell of a fight, me tells ye!

Story 23

Glad ta see ye in these 'ere tavern 'gain, mateys! Today I's gonna tell ye a story how Dave E. attacked Maracaibo. 'Twas m' first raid on a colony as an officer an' b'lieve me, 'twas quite an unforgettable raid.

It all started in th' mornin' July 16th 1633 as th' 'Night Prowler' approached th' sleepin' town of Maracaibo. We's been flyin' Spanish flag an' it seemed as if th' Spaniards didna recognise our pinnace. She looked pretty much like a merchant ship. Nobuddy s'spected that under th' deck a few dozen bloodthirsty murderers were readyin' themselves fer sum real action wit' few barrels of rum. I picked up a pistol an' sharpened m' sabre, awaitin' anxiously th' 'xpected bloodshed.

Cap'n Davey came from th' bridge, drunk as usual an' began ta give orders. He appointed me to a group of 6 cutlass wieldin' cutthroats.

"Ye 'ave ta look fer these buggers an' try ta <hic> follow th' orders, got it?"

"Aye, sir!" I replied wit' glee. 'Twas th' first time I 'ad sods under m' command an' me wus quite 'appy wit' this.

Th' 'Night Prowler' stopped by th' beach an' launched th' rowboats full of marines towards th' unsuspectin' town. As we gathered on th' beach, Dave E. Jones rearranged 'is eyepatch, cleared 'is scurvy throat, took us officers to a low hill wit' a good view of entire Maracaibo an' forwarded us th' battle plans.

"This is th' layout of this filthy cesspit, Maracaibo. We's gonna take th' city an' steal its <hic> riches, ain't we? Now listen carefully, ye lily-livered swab." said cap'n rubbin' 'is hands. "Sam, ye an yer group will secure that tavern. Isaak, ye'll take a dozen muskets an' capture that tavern o'er there. I'll go an' take that far tavern. Crash an' 'is small unit will this near tavern o'er here. <hic>Any questions?"

"Ummmm..." said Sam Collins, one of th' officers "Shouldn't we secure these farms to da southwest first?" he asked pointin' ta th' narrow windin' road wit' numerous farm houses, stables an' windmills standin' alongside.

"No, why do yew think so?" asked Davey, takin' a big swig from th' bottle.

"We'll leave our scurvy backs exposed tew any counterattack from that direction!" said angry pirate.

"Nay, mate. <hic> We can't spare any marines to secure these farms. Besides, they're completely worthless from the strategic point of view. Takin' th' farms would be a waste o' precious time."

"Why is that, cap'n?" I asked curiously.

"Arrrghhh! 'Tis simple, Crash. There ain't no taverns in there." Dave E. Jones regarded me as if'n me asked 'bout somethin' completely obvious.

"I see. An' what 'bout that fort to th' north?" I asked "It sure looks formidable."

"Nay, it's not." Dave E. Jones opened 'nother bottle of rum "We'll just ignore it."

"???"

"What'cha starin' at? Y'heard me. 'Appens me knows there's no tavern in there as well."

"Ya can't be serious, cap'n!" cried officer Sam Collins "Ya'll git us all killed! Why'dya wants to take taverns 'n ignore the fort, fer chrissake?"

"Shut yer <hic> stinky mouth, ye sissy bugger! Ye ain't know nothin' 'bout strategy, do yew?!" replied Dave an' made a sly face "When we's taken all th' taverns th' whole rat-infested city will surrender in no time! Their morale will be broken when they notice we can blow up their whole stock of rum! They'll come <hic> on their knees, beggin' fer mercy! But I ain't give 'em a single drop o' alcohol! Harrr! Oh, sorry <hic> I got carried away a bit."

So after thorough briefin' we went on to carry out Dave Jonses' plan. As our scurvy marines stormed th' sleepin' town, we encountered lil' resistance at first. Th' sorry buggers were surrenderin' on sight. We left few of our pirates to gather up th' prisoners an' take 'em to th' 'Night Prowler', while th' rest approached th' designated taverns.

My tavern wus th' closest one so me an' my men stormed inside. Due to early 'our, th' tavern was completely empty. I only introduced a fat, bald barkeep to m' blade, an' then th' waitin' began.'Twas really frustratin', me tells ye! I's wanted ta see sum action, not ta sit in an empty tavern.

After a while me heard a musket fire in th' distance. Th' redcoats must'va been attackin' our fellas! I 'ad orders ta stay 'ere, but I wanted to run there an' help m' mateys. I decided to 'elp 'em. I said to my marines to hold th' tavern at all costs until relieved, an' run out of th' buildin'. 'Twas easy ta spot where th' worst fight was takin' place, as th' smoke from th' muskets was risin' high in th' clear mornin' sky. I ran through th' narrow alley, stabbin' an armed peasant alon' th' way.

I saw th' battle was ragin' on th' market square, where a group of well-armed redcoats, hidden between market stalls, was fightin' with pirate invaders. Th' accursed Spaniards were givin' our boys quite a hard time. I was in good position to strike th' redcoats, as I was facin' th' flank of th' group of Spaniards. But I wus alone, while there were 'bout a dozen of soldiers on th' square. I couldn't do nothing. When I glanced around, howe'er, I noticed a dead carcass of a soldier layin' near th' exit from th' alley where I stood. He 'ad few grenades tucked under 'is belt. Carefully, not to attract any unwanted attention, I took all of th' grenades an' hid behind an empty wagon. I lit th' first grenade an' threw it o'er m' 'ead towards th' redcoats. A loud 'xplosion broke th' glass from th' nearby windows, as th' grenade hit th' stones of th' street. However when I raised m' 'ead I noticed wit' anger that I missed. What wus worse, few redcoats immediately opened fire at me. Luckily I wus 'idden b'hind th' wagon, so I quickly lit another grenade and threw it at th' Spaniards. This time I heard th' screams of th' wounded buggers. Two more grenades followed quickly. Th' pirates charged th' stunned survivors an' quickly put their wretched lives to an end.

I ran towards th' centre of th' town, when alluva sudden I stumbled upon a group of Spanish soldiers. They noticed me at once an' me wus way too close to attempt escape if'n I didna want to 'ave m' back shot to 'ells. I quickly charged th' gits b'fer they could put their muskets to use. 'Un of th' gits fired at me, but th' lead missed m' right ear by hair's breadth. I drew m' pistol from m' belt wit' th' left hand, aimed an' shot, still runnin' towards th' enemy. 'Un of th' scurvy whoresons fell to th' ground hit at th' chest. Since I 'ad no time to reload, I dropped th' pistol an' raised m' sabre, shoutin' m' battle cries.

I managed to slash 'un of th' opponents as he raised 'is musket to shoot. Th' limp carcass fell backwards wit' th' neck slashed wide open, sprayin' blood all 'round. 'Nother git wus smarter an' drew 'is sword. Th' ferociousness of m' mad attack wus somethin' no regular soldier could withstand. After all those landlubbers are more or less civilized buncha buggers, so they's always cower b'fer us, th' born cutthroats, ain't they? Jus' after few strikes of m' deadly sabre, th' git dropped 'is sword, fell to 'is knees an' screamed fer mercy. Jus' as I hacked m' sabre deep into th' fool's skull, I felt icy pain in m' back. Arghhh! I forgot 'bout th' fourth soldier in m' battle fever! I screamed in pain an' surprise as I fell to th' cold, wet cobblestones. I 'xpected to feel 'nother blow this time more precise, but it ne'er came. As I slowly turned m' ead I saw EexCaliber pullin' 'is cutlass from th' body of th' last redcoat. I tried ta smile, but couldn't. I rolled on th' ground an' examined th' wound. Fort'natly 'twasn't that bad. Jus' a scratch. I still 'ave a scar, but it could be far worse. I got up an' picked up m' sabre, which was stuck in th' Spaniard's skull.

"Good job, EexCaliber!" I said, still watchin' 'im suspiciously. I still couldn't trust this salty seadog fully.

"'Tis nothin'. Cap'n Dave E. Jones sent me to find ye. 'E wants ye to join 'im. There was a change of plans. Since th' redcoats are all o'er th' town, we 'ave to destroy th' barracks prior to plunderin' th' taverns." said Eex.

"Okay, take me to th' cap'n." I said an' followed th' pirate.

Few gentry folks tried ta oppose us, but after 'un of them lost a hand due to an outstandin' pistol shot from Eex, they ran away as if'n th' devil 'imself was chasin' 'em ta perdition's edge.

Dave E. an' a handful of marines were hidin' b'hind a low town house, observin' th' barrack an' th' nearby buildings. About two dozen of redcoats an' armed citizens were stayin' on alert on th' plaza in front of th' barracks.

"Ahh! We's been waitin' fer yew, Crash!" whispered Davey. "We'll 'ave a lots of fun 'ere. Look at those buggers! They're soilin' their pants right where they stand!"

"Whut shall we do now, cap'n?" I asked Davey, observin' 'im carefully. 'E was so drunk, that he barely stood on 'is own feet. It could mean nothin' good, I reckoned.

"There are much more of 'em, matey. We's gonna <hic> fight 'em. Y'know, the more of 'em are out there, th' greater <hic> chances fer victory after a good melee." said Davey an' nodded 'is drunk 'ead like a sage.

Sumthin' wus wron' 'bout this statement, but me couldn't figure out what.

"I got m'self a grenade, sir!" I whispered wit' glee. "I'll put it to good use on those lily-livered pansy-arses!"

"Very good, boy! But try <hic> not to make much noise, or they'll see us!" said Dave E an' put down an empty bottle o' grog.

I regarded th' cap'n once 'gain. How did 'e 'xpect me to blow a grenade wit'out makin' noise? Sumthin' was definitely wron'. Ne'ertheless I took m' last grenade an' sneaked few steps closer towards th' enemy gits. I threw it wit' all m' might an' ducked to th' ground. Wit' terror I observed as th' grenade hits a thick branch of th' tree that was standin' o'er m' head. It didna blow, howe'er, but only bounced off th' branch an' flew upwards, however in totally different direction. I saw th' grenade landin' right amon' a group of kids playin' in front of th' church.

Th' weapon 'xploded violently. I saw kids flyin' in wide arcs an' landin' on th' nearby roofs. One of th' lil' 'uns flew so high that 'e splashed 'gainst th' wall of th' church tower.

"Harrr! Harrrr! This 'un 'as won!!!" I heard a loud cry b'hind me. I quickly glanced backwards, tryin' to see who gave our position to th' enemy. 'Twas Dave E. sittin' on th' ground wit' a new bottle in 'is hand. He was literally laughin' 'is scurvy @rse off. "'Appens I know this pox-ridden seadog who invented this game! This be Cap'n Cognito da Bastid an' he's a good mate of mine! Yer almost as good as 'im in this grenade jig! Harrr! Harrrrr! Harrr!"

I slapped m' forehead when I noticed two dozen of pissed off gits chargin' us wit' raised cutlasses. I could 'ear their Spanish cries.

"This bastids killed m' boy! Show 'em no mercy!"

"I'll cut 'eir limbs off fer killin' lil' Antonina!"

"Those bastids! Why did they do it?"

I drew m' cutlass an' awaited th' sure death. I took th' pistol in th' left 'and. I wus prepared not to sell m' life cheap, that's sure as th' fish are smelly. There was only a handful of us, an' cap'n Jones laid on th' ground laughin' maniacally. We were in a real mess. Suddenly EexCaliber cried

"Sir, these Spaniards are standin' on our way to th' tavern!"

Th' Davey's laughter stopped abruptly an' he's spoken wit' a unnaturally sharp voice. He sonded almost... sober "WHAT?! We're cut off form th' tavern???" There was a real fear in 'is voice "We's gonna die of thirst! Kill 'em all! Don't let 'em dehydrate us!"

"Yeah, don't let 'em dehydrate us!" I replied eagerly, wanderin' what could that mean. 'Twas really a strange word, but sounded good noneth'less. Perfect fer a battle cry.

"Don't let 'em dehydrate us!!!" shouted a dozen scurvy throats.

I know 'tis strange, but this cry really caught on. It's been 'bout 10 years since that unforgettable raid, but I heard Davey Jones's's crew still shouts it b'fer enterin' a battle.

Our drunken cap'n finally raised 'is cutlass. Now we 'ad a fightin' chance of makin' it alive.

"Muskets to th' front!" cried Dave E. "Aim low, boys!"

A loud volley of our six muskets sent few Spaniards to th' ground, wit' a terrible leg wounds. But it only slowed th' charge. In few seconds they were upon us. I only managed to blow off a face of a chargin' militia man wit' m' pistol, when we all found ourselves in a middle of a fierce melee. Then I saw our cap'n fightin'. I wus so astonished that I almost dropped m' blade. I could hardly focus m' attention on m' opponent's cutlass. the sight of Davey fightin' was somethin completely unforgettable.

He moved like a drunken man, trippin' an' fallin' e'ery once in a while, but he did it wit' such a grace as if'n he was drunk since he was born. An' b'cause of his unpredictable moves, no one was able to hit him. The enemy sword strikes flew harmlesslu over his drunken head. All this time Davey made slow and cumbersome cuts of 'is own, an' somehow these most strange strieks always found th' Spanish flesh. Wit' every awkward strike a Spanish cry could be heard. Unbelievable.

'Un of th' few survivin' Spanish gentry folks cried in panic "We stand no chance, this pirate knows Kung-Fu! Run for your lives!" Up to this date I didn't decipher what this Spaniard said. I'm not an expert 'bout Spanish, I could'va mess up somethin'. I dunno.

Nonetheless shortly afterwards th' city surrendered. Pirates from th' various parts of th' city started to gather 'round us. A lone gentry man approached us wit' a raised white flag.

"They're surenderin', cap'n!" cried EexCaliber.

"No way! We're not surrenderin' to this Spanish scum! He's all alone, we can git 'im!" shouted Dave E. wit' anger.

"Errmmm... They are surrenderin', cap'n."

"Oh. I see." said Dave E. Jones an' turned towards th' don "We's acceptin' yer <hic> surrender only if'n ye leave our fair city an' proise ne'er to come back, ye pirate scum!"

"No, no, no, ye've got it all wron', cap'n. Too much rum I guess" Eex tried not to smile. "We are pirates who raided this gits."

"Argghhh! I remember now! Whur's th' bleedin' taverns? Boys, we's gonna 'ave sum fun tonight! Harrr!"

Yep, 'twas quite a good night we 'ad then. 'Appens wimmin of Maracaibo were jus' as fierce durin' th' night as their husbands were durin' th' fight. Sailin' under Dave E. Jones wus a sheer pleasure! Harrr! Harrr! Harrr!

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